Janas to coach Team USA?

Zbigniew Konstantynopolitańczykówianeczka, agent of former Poland national team head coach Pawel Janas, today denied rumors that his client has been offered the position of Team USA head coach.

The Americans, who bowed out in this year’s World Cup after returning to the high levels of play they’d achieved in World Cups 1990 and 1998, may be looking to replace coach Bruce Arena. Though millions are clamoring for his return, Arena has stated that “No, nothing can possibly top this. It’s for the best that i resign while leaving Team USA in a state of glory.”

In Poland, the millions clamoring for their own coach’s return have got to be disappointed with the myriad rumors surrounding Janas. Just prior to the tournament, Konstantynopolitańczykówianeczka was forced to deny reports that Janas had been offered a job by one other national club.

“There is no truth to the rumor that my client has been offered the coaching position in Tibet,” the agent said at that time. “Right now, Mr. Janas needs to concentrate on finding a way to lose convincingly against Ecuador.”

Despite the denial, however, Janas and his agent remain hard pressed to explain the booking of airplane tickets for both Janas and his favored goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek to Lhasa. “It’s a vacation,” explained Janas’ agent. “Yeah, that’s it: a vacation. He’s going to climb Mt. Everest and maybe kick Dudek off it and light a votive for him at the cathedral there.” When informed that Tibet is in fact a Buddhist nation, Konstantynopolitańczykówianeczka said, “church, temple, whatever.”

Reuters has also recently reported offers to Janas from American Samoa, Bhutan and Greenland.