If life had red cards…

Every time my brainwaves are graced by the World Cup or the Euro Cup or basically any football match, really, i think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great if we could have red cards in real life?” Seriously, wouldn’t it be great if, while getting an undeserved tongue-lashing from the boss, you could just whip out a yellow card and end the matter temporarily? That unaware moron that just cut you off to make an illegal left turn? Pull him over, red card! Poof: He/she is gone. End of road rage. And imagine how much easier break ups would be.

Without further ado, then, a list of who this self-proclaimed arbiter of the pitch of life will reaching in pocket to card. I’ll try to stay on the subject of football, but, well, the cards in this game are indiscriminate to life station.

Red cards go to:

Hooligans.

Hungarian professional football. From the average Hungarian, one of two answers come when asked precisely how this nation who produced one of the greatest teams of all time and the greatest player pre-Pelé finds itself with such a lame league today: 1) “We’re underfunded, and 2) whine whine commie era whine. Last time i checked, similarly cash-bereft Ukraine was in the sweet sixteen, and former reds Poland, Serbia and Montenegro and Croatia all got into the tourney. In World Cup 1994 qualifiers, good ol’ Magyarország finished behind Iceland, that mighty football nation of population 300,000. For one year, then-head coach Lothar Matthaeus actually had these boys believing they could compete, but he’s gone now. Probably couldn’t take the pessimism. Or the laziness.

Jorge “Tide Turner” Larrionda, if only because he loves the sight of a good red card. According to Wikipedia, “Articles published after the [2006 World Cup match Italy v. USA] match were not in agreement over the quality of Larrionda’s calls.” Well, here’s my article and here’s my call: As the Americans present jeered Larrionda in that game, “Bull-shit! Bull-shit!” Games in which the referee blatantly changes the outcome of a match (e.g. South Korea v. Portugal, World Cup 2002; perhaps all Italia games in Euro Cup 2004; and Larrionda’s own Brazil v. Colombia World Cup 2006 qualifier) are always embarrassing at least and make you want to smash in the teevee set with a brick at worst. If Larrionda were an NBA referee, neither team in any given match would have enough players to finish the game after a flurry of technical fouls.

Every driver in Europe. Yes, the Germans, too.

Anyone involved in pro-Team USA propaganda propagation and anyone who had folks believing this was a final eight team. Then again, if Larrionda lightens up after the second red card, America wins the game and plays in the knockout round. Ah, there’s too much hype in America generally. The card has spoken.

American “sports fans” who refuse to watch the greatest sporting event in the world simply because their team didn’t advance.

With yellow cards, i’m cautioning:

David Beckham. Just because he’s Beckham.

Certain fans of certain countries whose team goes undefeated into the knockout stage, gets the top seed in the group and yet is still subject to grousing on the order of, “These stupid cunts are unimaginably bloody bad.” and “Far worse than i thought.” and “A disgrace to the Queen Mother.” You know who i’m talking about.

The Dallas Mavericks for crushing the Miami Heat in the first 2-3/4 games in the NBA finals and then rolling over like chumps in three straight games (in the fourth loss, they were screwed by referees; imagine that). Avery Johnson had better get these guys into the finals next year or that second yellow comes out.

Pelé for trying to speak German in advertising for the Cup. I had to see this thing nine times before i could figure out what he was saying.

Becks. Couldn’t resist. I’ll say i did it because he took Posh out of circulation.

Os Davis, for making outlandish trash-talking predictions at the beginning of this thing. And a second yellow, too, come to think of it, for resorting to writing a list and calling it a proper piece of writing. I’ll be sending myself off then…